Era: Post-Arthur, July 2021–January 2022
After the relationship with Arthur ended, Steven went to Barcelona alone for one week in April 2021, see Places: Barcelona 2021, then was blocked from attending the Tulum wedding by US immigration at Miami. He returned to Lyon, then back to Paris. He found an apartment and applied to a single company, Shadow.
The ESN job
Before the Shadow rejection, Steven had taken a job at an ESN, an Entreprise de Services du Numérique, as a junior iOS developer. The manager had followed him on social media and hired him knowing him. Steven saw it as a chance to “se poser” and adopt a functional adult rhythm.
He failed to adapt. He hid 3-MMC use during work hours and took pleasure in the transgression. He went to sexual encounters mid-week and took fraudulent teleconference meetings from bathrooms or terraces while claiming to be home. His standup calls happened on terraces while pretending to work remotely.
The manager fired him at the end of the trial period. Steven had expected renewal. “Ça m’a vraiment choqué.” His manager gave him a message that he noted down: “Tu n’es pas fait pour une ESN, peut-être plus pour un client final et encore… Tu n’es pas mauvais en dev, loin de là, mais je pense que c’est une passion pour toi, pas un boulot avec toutes les contraintes que ça implique” (Michaël, September 14, 2021).
The Shadow rejection (January 2022)
The Shadow recruitment process spanned late December 2021 through early January 2022. Five or more stages followed: technical test, which he passed, positive review from the lead iOS developer, entretien humain with CTO Brice, and an HR interview with Hédi. Each stage passed. The final call came back: they chose another candidate.
The timing was devastating. It was New Year’s 2022, a date Steven invests with significant symbolic importance. He was “plein de motivation et d’ambition pour retrouver un mode de vie pérenne, passionné et investi.” The rejection was experienced as a personal indictment more than a business decision.
He had only applied to Shadow. This is a consistent pattern. He commits fully to one opportunity and treats it as a “projet de vie potentiel”, which means rejection carries the weight of an imagined future, not just one declined application.
June 2021: Mateo
One June 2021 entry, written during the difficult early period back in Paris, documents a brief contact with Mateo: “J’ai également voulu refaire un pas en avant déguisé, qui m’est très rapidement revenu dans la tête. Bonsoir Matéo. Tu n’as fait que confirmer ce qui s’était construit en moi tout ce temps. Faible.” The tone is recognition rather than anger. Something in Mateo’s behavior confirmed a judgment Steven had been forming. He calls Mateo “Faible” and moves on.
A few days later, in another June entry: “J’ai cru que c’était lui [another entry]. Aujourd’hui était peut-être un petit peu mieux?” The June 2021 entries have the quality of someone returning to the world in fragments. Some days were better. Some days were worse. He was rediscovering what normal felt like.
The 18m² studio
After the ESN job ended, Steven hid his unemployment from his mother and failed to search for a new job. He continued going to afters, living on savings and her transfers. He was living in a studio of 17.93m², described as “certes très beau, mais sans vrai lit”: a convertible too short, a sofa too small, and sleeping in the same room as his workspace, his kitchen, and his life. This slowly degraded his psychological state.