Era: Freelance Collapse, 2022–2023
After the Shadow rejection, Steven eventually found a CDI at Résilience, a health tech company building cancer patient monitoring tools. He was fully remote, which suited him. He felt good there.
He was contacted almost immediately for a freelance iOS mission paying 400€+ per day, “presque quatre fois mon salaire en CDI.” He quit Résilience during his trial period to take it.
The freelance mission
The contract ended because of inconsistency: “je manquais de consistance dans ma production et mon flot de travail, ainsi que dans ma communication.” He struggled to answer when asked for accountability. ADHD symptoms dominated. He could not deliver a satisfying work pace, which frustrated him.
This is the period when 3-MMC transitioned from party and functional tool to a necessary mediator of professional existence. He spent regular 48+ hour stretches without sleep. The substance was no longer helping the way it had. “Elle commençait à me desservir.”
Studio life
He was living alone in the 18m² studio. Afters became the primary social structure. Personal projects were started and not finished. The note in the February 2022 journal captures the late night alone at a computer: “je laisse mon âme ici. Nuit de semaine, ma grand déesse.” It shows how the night had become part of his routine.
The Résilience / Freelance decision
He had a job he liked at Résilience and quit it for money. The money job ended. He was left with neither. This follows the Ipso quit: each time he has a stable situation he judges bearable, an external trigger or internal restlessness prompts him to leave it before he has built anything to replace it.
2022 journal (January): tracking system
The January 2022 journal entries include a life-tracking system he was building, a daily log with emoji codes for wellbeing, health metrics, substance use, and social interactions. He was trying to impose quantitative structure on his own behavior. The entries also capture the Shadow recruitment in real time: the excitement, the anxiety, the hope, the final rejection.
2023 crisis (March)
By March 2023, the arc reached its lowest point. The journal entry dated 2023-03-27 reads:
“i must change my life now or i swear i will kill myself, this has been going on for too long, and this fucking circus must stop.”
This was followed by a xanax and 3-MMC ending session, then a self-addressed morning note:
“Good morning you. I know you feel shitty… toutes les étoiles sont alignées pour enfin sortir de ce merdier. you will have to show infinite resilience for these next month.”
And then, April 3, day 6 of sobriety:
“a walk along the pond… fuck i forgot how good it felt to just simply be alone in pure and absolute nature.”
Recovery attempt 2023
Unlike the September 2020 recovery, which combined Séroplex, intensive journaling, and a rapid return of la flamme, the 2023 recovery was slower and more fragile. By June 2023, he was back to consuming. June 6: “j’ai les mains qui tremblent. Mes rideaux sont tirés… je viens de finir mes 15 grammes. Alors que je les ai reçus jeudi.”
June 12 marks another potential turning point: “je pense que ça y est, j’ai franchi le cap… je ne me sens plus à ma place.” He moved apartments around this time. The 18m² studio became unbearable.